claricelecter@hotmail.com
I understand that you are the one who decides the rules we must follow, that you set them make coexistence and harmony between human beings possible, and that enforcing them is crucial to order to maintain the peace and harmony of civilization. Without those parameters, everyone would do what they want and chaos would reign on the face of the earth. I know that your standards are well-intentioned, and like everything that causes controversy in a conversation, it all started with the intention of helping…
All my life I have listened to your rules and regulations that dictate the paths that I must take in my life, from the simplest ones such as not putting my elbows on the table to those that indicate who I should marry and what I should do in bed. I have them memorized because they have always wanted me to follow them to the letter in order to meet your standards of what is acceptable, not to be embarrassment to my family and not to have to explain to people what I am and what I am not.
Thanks to your standards I have always felt strange and out of place. I have always understood that I really don’t belong anywhere and that I will always stand out, wherever I am, because of my strange and thunderous voice, my different way of speaking, the content of my words or simply because nature decided to make me tall and noticeable. Obviously those can be good or bad characteristics, since it really depends on the perspective with which you see things.
So pardon me, dear society, for being weird. For not having within me the ability to choose to be common and ordinary, what else would I have wanted more as a child than to be normal and to be able to play with other children without fear that they discover that there is something in me that is different? I would have liked to have normal child thoughts and do normal things. I would have given anything not to stand out from the crowd, at that time I just wanted to disappear into the crowd.
Sorry for having strange ideas about life and fantasies of being a famous writer; for buying writing paper to be able to fill a folder without even knowing that the writing would flow from me like lava from a volcano in a continuous torrent that destroys all the remnants of pain and bitterness of what it touches; for having a dreamy mind that went beyond telling dirty jokes like other children; for having a sense of humor that made others not want to talk to me for not understanding many things that said.
Excuse me for loving Alfred Hitchcock the first time I saw Psycho and for making it my favorite movie since the age of seven instead of The Little Mermaid or The Lion King, for discovering Edgar Allan Poe and Stephen King in the books and identifying with its darkness because it gave meaning to mine, for getting lost in those distant worlds of literature while dreaming of creating other worlds where I was not the strange one, where there were tolerant people who did not call me awful things or make me feel bad for not being «normal».
Excusez-moi for saying the things that were going through my mind, now I understand that neither the world nor you, society are prepared for the truth without filters. That took a lot of work for me to learn because someone lied to me that being honest is always the best thing and that it brings great things to your life, positive and pleasant things when in fact it brings you the hatred and contempt of many.
Mi scusi for daring to love someone of the same sex and challenging your rules. It wasn’t my intention to go against you, I just can’t control that, believe me I tried, but my body and my heart want what they want and they don’t listen to my brain that has always screamed at me that it’s not right and that it should love what you say I must love without question.
Be lenient with me and don’t look at me disapprovingly, I have always wanted to be a good person and a good member of yours, but something in me has always rebelled and has had the need to openly accept who I am, that part of me that lives terrified for not being what you want it to be is the same part that refuses to be crushed and comes out. It is the part of me that has to breathe and does everything possible to be released. I can’t control it.
Don’t judge me so harshly, society, I’m not a bad human being. I have fears and needs like everyone else, I have a great capacity to love and deep-rooted values that help me lead a good life. You may not think I am a good example, but that does not make it any less valid: I am hard-working, honest, intelligent and affectionate. I don’t kill anyone or go looking for trouble, I help those I can and I try to bring positivity to the world. Why don’t you judge people with double standards or those who cause harm to others, to those who steal, kill or rape? Do they deserve more consideration than me for being straight or being religious or political leaders? Apparently, in your eyes, yes.
Because when it comes to demanding the same from me as from the rest of your members, you have no problem, when it comes to collecting my taxes or any social obligation, it is in your interest that I am an active member, but when it comes to treating me the same as everyone else your interest, my beloved society, decreases quite a bit. You have to be consistent, my dear, because if not, that is the most blatant and despicable hypocrisy.
Remember that just as you are tough to judge me, others are as tough to judge you. You can set the rules, but as an individual I decide if I follow them or if I look for ways to change them to make a better world.
Let’s stop being two-faced. All human beings are worth the same… even if you don’t see it that way.
Warm regards and share… if you dare…
Mostro.