My armor is wonderful. I can almost almost say it is made of gold. It is beautiful, powerful and impenetrable. It helps me survive those difficult situations where my own vulnerability threatens to destroy me. It gives a shine to my soul that apparently it does not achieve on its own. With it I feel invincible, unbeatable. With it I can conquer the whole worlds, not just mine…
The curious thing about armor, breastplates and all the forms of protection that we have developed over the years and experiences is that they are a double-edged sword. They can protect you from external dangers in a wonderful way, but many times, by having that image of invulnerability, we tend to believe that we really are unbreakable and that nothing can hurt us, thus turning our hearts and our appearance into a stone. And stones don’t feel anything.
The problem is that we are not stones, we are human beings, and we do feel. As indestructible as we want to believe we are, we have our weak points like any other thing. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Many times I wanted to become strong and hide my emotions, only to be violently reminded that my they are going to come out, whether I want them to or not.
Why do we feel the need to protect ourselves so much? Is there something we want to hide? I don’t think that’s the case. It is like the clothes we wear. Without them, we risk getting sick from being exposed to the cold. In the morning when I go out to work I always bring a sweater and jacket, sometimes two in order to protect myself from the inconsistent climate of Tijuana. I think he would die of an industrial sized pneumonia if he didn’t. In the same way we make those walls that help us protect our feelings, that scared little child we have inside.
That is why I identify with the turtle. It is an animal that doesn’t mess with anyone, it is always moving forward and seeking the best life for itself, it is tough on the outside but vulnerable on the inside. It describes me perfectly. It does not mean that I feel weak at all, simply that as much as I want to hide it, I am still a human being with fears, insecurities and strength.
And by being a psychologist people expect an unattainable level of perfection. They tell me that I shouldn’t have emotions, that I shouldn’t get mad when things don’t go my way or when they do something I don’t like. I have to clarify right now that being assertive and expressing what you feel does not make you a bad person. It is one thing to say what you feel and another to belittle other people. Okay, sometimes the beast inside comes out and I’m reckless, but nobody is perfect. There is a reason why I am Mostro.
On the same note, I try to find a way to always be the best version of myself. I want to learn new things and always have an open mind to good constructive criticism. I wish I could accept a compliment without it being uncomfortable, I even wish they could sing happy birthday to me without making me feel completely self conscious. I never know what to do, sing, clap, or smile like an idiot until they’re done. Sometimes not even making a joke is a good idea because there is always the one that is offended because we are already living in times where everything you say is offensive, PffT!
And just as there are people who develop gigantic inner walls, it seems that there are others who seem to be made of glass. They have no defense against the world and its cruelty and it seems that if you blow on them they will fall apart. They are people who think everything is wrong and that they do not like anything, many times they do not have reservations about telling you, or worse, they get upset with you and you never find out because, since they don’t like to confront people, they prefer not to say anything and they go on with their little hearts hurt and you don’t even know it. Generally these situations come to light some time later when someone else tells you about it or a complaint comes out of nowhere. We are not fortune tellers, people. You can’t expect us to realize something is wrong and to correct a situation that we didn’t even know was wrong if you don’t talk to us. If you don’t speak, the world cannot listen.
Speaking is good, my darlings. Expressing what you feel is not attacking another person. It is different to say «Mostro, I did not like what you said because of …» to say «You are stupid», they are very different ways of opening a dialogue, because one can help me understand that I was careless and helps me correct an unpleasant situation so that our friendship continues to work and the second is very likely to get a nasty comeback. The first option makes me responsible for my actions and leaves the ball on my court while the second option can separate your teeth from your mouth. Choose wisely …
So, brothers and sisters, let us free our souls from armors and masks. They are beautiful, I know, but as human beings we need to flow naturally. Express what you feel without attacking anyone. Let’s be free and let’s fly together. Let the inner child come out to discover that the world is not so bad, that it is very, very beautiful. You will see that when things are done with good intentions, our actions will be consistent and that is the way we are going to change the world without repressing anyone.
We are all weird, but not all of us have the courage to be so…
And you brothers, sisters, what do you think? Share … if you dare…